Now, you know me....I don't like to rant much (fnar fnar), but I recently read an article that made me neck twitch and my teeth clench and I really just feel a need to write a response to it.
The article is 5 Reasons Modern-Day Parenting Is In Crisis, by a british nanny (my first issue right there...a nanny, not a mother, who knows how to be a mother better than the rest of us...*eyeroll*)
In the article she details the 5 main reasons why we are experiencing a parenting crisis in our modern day world. Quick! Alert the elders! We're having a crisis!
Shall we find out what awful parenting mistakes we're all making, then? Okay, here goes...
1) A FEAR OF OUR CHILDREN
Okay, so apparently we're terrified to upset our little angels by saying "No" to them. She decsribes what she calls "the sippy cup test", where she observes, time and time again, how a toddler will have a tantrum if they're given their morning milk in a blue sippy cup, when they wanted the pink one. All too often, she says, she will see the mother's face whiten as she rushes to placate her child by getting the other cup.
Fail! What are you afraid of, mum? Who is in charge here? Let her have a tantrum, and remove yourself so you don't have to hear it. But for goodness' sake, don't make extra work for yourself just to please her -- and even more importantly, think about the lesson it teaches if you give her what she wants because she's thrown a fit.
First of all, I hate that Bully-boy attitude of challenging parents to "stand up" to their children, with the goading implication that if you don't, you must be "afraid" of your child.
I well remember the time when Charlie was 3 (and I was at a stage in my life when I found parenting very stressful and a constant battleground). We had my friend and her 3 year old over to play, and the boys were in the garden, fighting over a stick. I became very exasperated and stormed out to them, snatched the stick from their hands and threw it over the fence, shouting "There! Now there's no stick! For god's sake, it's just a stupid stick, it's not a big deal!"
My friend looked at me and quietly said "Well, it might just be a stupid stick to you, but it was a big deal to them".
She was absolutely right, of course, and I've never forgotten it.
Kids have so little control over almost every aspect of their lives, almost every decision is made for them. So it's little wonder that they place a huge emphasis on the little, insignificant (to us) things in their lives. Such as the colour of their sippy cup.
Why shouldn't they have a choice? Why shouldn't they have a preference?
I agree with the nanny - kids do need to learn that they can't just get whatever they want because they've thrown a fit, but here's an idea.....how about instead of letting them have the tantrum and refusing to budge on the issue (just because you're the adult and you can), why not get down to the child's level and explain, quietly and calmly, that you don't get what you want by screaming and shouting. Perhaps tell the child that if it's very important to them to have the pink sippy cup, they can ask for it nicely.
That way, they get the choice they wanted to be given, and you get the control of making sure they haven't just screamed for their own way.
We need to let our kids have choices and the opportunity to make decisions for themselves, these are hugely important life skills.
If you have a guest in your house, you'd offer them a drink, right? You'd say "Tea or coffee? Milk and sugar?", and you'd make your friend a drink of his/her preference.
Why don't our kids deserve to be treated with the same respect?
The reason most tantrums occur, whether from toddlers, older kids or even adults, is because they've lost control of the situation. If you offer them a choice in the first place, you show them respect, and they learn to trust that you will share control of the situation with them.
You might not give a crap what colour their cup is, but to them, it could be the only decision they've been able to make all day.
2) A Lowered Bar
When children misbehave, whether it's by way of public outburst or private surliness, parents are apt to shrug their shoulders as if to say, "That's just the way it is with kids." I assure you, it doesn't have to be. Children are capable of much more than parents typically expect from them, whether it's in the form of proper manners, respect for elders, chores, generosity or self-control. You don't think a child can sit through dinner at a restaurant? Rubbish. You don't think a child can clear the table without being asked? Rubbish again! The only reason they don't behave is because you haven't shown them how and you haven't expected it! It's that simple. Raise the bar and your child shall rise to the occasion.
Now, I sort of agree with this. Kids can of course help more around the house or behave in a restaurant, but I think sometimes we expect too much of kids.
We expect them not only to behave in the same way an adult would, but often better than an adult would.
They're not allowed to talk, or giggle, or make noise, or fidget when their chair is uncomfy. They aren't allowed to have any opinions of their own. They should be seen and not heard. They should take any amount of berating or insulting and never, ever answer back. What does that teach them?
That they're not as important as adults. That their needs and feelings don't matter. That they need to put up and shut up. And where does that lead?
They will either become adults who rebel and become totally selfish assholes, or complete doormats who have grown up believing that they don't have a right to stand up for themselves.
Hmm, in light of recent (terrifying) stories about child abuse in the 70s that was totally covered up because nobody would question an adult, I say that kids need to raise the bar a bit as well as parents.
I'm not suggesting for one second that kids should rule the roost AT ALL, but this "kids shut up and adults know best" attitude all the time is not my bag. We should be a team, not an us and them.
3) WE'VE LOST THE VILLAGE
It used to be that bus drivers, teachers, shopkeepers and other parents had carte blanche to correct an unruly child. They would act as the mum and dad's eyes and ears when their children were out of sight, and everyone worked towards the same shared interest: raising proper boys and girls.
Hmmm. Okay, I agree, we have lost the village, but not in the sense that she describes. It used to be that we had extended families, friends, neighbours and other such support systems in place, and we absolutely appreciated when other people would step in if need be.
My issue with this particular point is that my standard of acceptable behaviour might be different from yours.
Okay, if my kids were hitting other kids, I'd say right on if the other kids' parents told them off. Damn right, it's out of order and they'd be within their rights to say so.
The problem here though, is that other people might have a totally different idea of discipline, and have no right to enforce that on someone else's child.
We definitely need more of a village mentality, but more in terms of supporting each other, than everyone going around thinking they have the right to punish every child they see.
4) A RELIANCE ON SHORTCUTS
This one's a bit confusing. She starts by saying that we've become too reliant on technology to entertain our kids, and shouldn't, for example, allow them to watch a programme on a tablet while waiting for dinner in a restaurant. They should learn to wait patiently, to realise that food doesn't always come out in three minutes.
Well, I've looked around myself in public many times and seen no end of adults entertaining themselves with phones and tablets while waiting for buses, doctors, food, planes etc.
I have no issue with a child quietly playing a game on a phone while we wait for food in a restaurant. Hey, take phones and tablets away from adults in any situation that involves waiting, and I'd like to see how patiently they can wait!
The next bit is the biggie...
Babies must learn to self-soothe instead of sitting in a vibrating chair each time they're fussy. Toddlers need to pick themselves up when they fall down instead of just raising their arms to mum and dad.
Say what now?
Babies are babies. They can't learn to self soothe - they need to be comforted when they cry. If the vibrating chair helps, why not? For goodness' sake, are we such dictators that we have to teach a baby to just suffer through a tough moment in the day, instead of being given the little bit of comfort they need? I just don't get that at all.
As for toddlers learning to pick themselves up, yes, I agree with that, but if they're hurt and crying, then I have no problem with picking them up.
Jeez, we've got our whole lives to learn that life is unfair and sometimes you have to suffer - let kids enjoy being kids for a little while first, eh?
5) PARENTS PUT CHILDRENS' NEEDS AHEAD OF THEIR OWN
Wow. what a crime.
Of COURSE we put kids' needs ahead of our own, that's what parents should do! Why would we invite children into our lives, only to bemoan the fact that we can't be totally selfish anymore?
So often I see mums get up from bed again and again to fulfill the whims of their child. Or dads drop everything to run across the zoo to get their daughter a drink because she's thirsty. There is nothing wrong with not going to your child when she wants yet another glass of water at night.
Well, you know what, lady? I hope one day when you're old or ill and need a drink in the night, but can't get it for yourself, that your caregiver refuses and tells you to wait for it.
I dislike the way that needs are confused with whims. We need to remind ourselves that kids have no control or ability to meet all of their own needs, so if they're thirsty, or need the toilet, it's our responsibility to help them meet that need.
We mustn't become such control freaks that we forget to respect the fact that our children will sometimes have needs that are not compatible with ours, and sometimes, that means that our needs have to come second.
So please, parents and caregivers from London to Los Angeles, and all over the world, ask more. Expect more. Share your struggles. Give less. And let's straighten these children out, together, and prepare them for what they need to be successful in the real world and not the sheltered one we've made for them.
Yes. Ask more. Ask your children to help you make little decisions through the day, and they will learn to respect you more for making them part of your team, rather than just a mere inconvenience in your life.
Expect more. Expect to have a better relationship with your child, as a fellow human being. Expect them to treat you with the same respect that you give to them. Lead by example.
Share your struggles. Talk to other parents, swap tips and even just have a moan together. Parenting is hard, but it doesn't have to be a battle.
Give less. Um, no. Give more - give more love, more kindness, more understanding, more time.
Give willingly and lovingly, to the children that you have invited into your life. They are not little enemies that need to be conquered. They are our future, our legacy, and the way we treat them will become the way they treat the world.
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