A chink in the armour

I've always been a very positive thinker, to the point of being one of those irritatingly cheerful, rainbows and butterflies types that most people can't stand to be around. So it's surprised and annoyed me more than anyone what a whiny little bitch I've become.

Seriously, I bang on and on and ON about how tired I am, what the hell is wrong with me?

Normally, I suck it up, dig deep and find the strength I need, but lately, that's become more and more difficult.

I was horrified the other night when I found myself crying (again) at 2.30am, and I actually posted on Facebook that I was struggling to cope.

Wait, hold on, did I write that out loud? 

Like, in PUBLIC?

For the record (and I know that you know this, but let me clarify), I'm not struggling to cope. I was in that moment, but then I was okay. 

The thing with long term sleep deprivation, is that it's like swimming in a vast ocean, dotted with small islands. The islands represent when my baby sleeps,and the ocean represents when she's awake, and therefore, I have to be as well. 

For some people, the ocean might not represent a wakeful baby, it might represent a chronic illness, pain, being called into work, an ill relative, or whatever else might be keeping you awake. 

The islands are all different sizes - some are large enough for me to rest on, to eat, sleep and spend time on interests. Some are tiny, I might only get a few minutes on an island before I'm plunged back into the water. For the most part, I'm okay with being in the water, I can keep swimming for longer than I ever thought possible, confident that there's an island coming up soon.

However, sometimes, I'm plunged into the water one too many times, and I'm too exhausted to swim. I feel weak, and I panic, flail my arms and cry out for help.

That's when I do things that make me feel even more vulnerable, like posting on Facebook that I'm struggling to cope.

The thing is, it's scary to show weakness like that. What will people think?

Will they think I'm a bad mum? That I can't take care of my baby? That they knew I was taking on too much?

I think the most important question is - who CARES?

If people love you, they will support you, and if people are human (which I'm sure most of you are), they'll have struggled with things too. So many of us are scared to admit weakness, to ask for help.

I'm strong enough to show my weaknesses. Being a mum is the best thing ever, but sometimes it's unbelievably hard, especially when you've barely slept in months.

You know what, though? The only bad thing about weakness is letting it beat you. It's a simple case of recognising your weakness and finding a way to get over it.

We're starting a new sleep plan this week, which seems to be making a real difference, but in the meantime, I'm going to keep on sharing, keep on asking for help, and most importantly, I'm going to keep on swimming.